when i hold my heart out to you,
you take it.
again and again you take it.
again and again i give it,
because i don't have any other choice.
maybe you don't care,
maybe you just don't see.
so i end up disappointed.
always disappointed.
trying to hide the tears,
fighting against the needless hurt.
discouraged.
all that came before,
all the good times, the happy times
are washed away,
faded like a lost memory.
but still i sit here,
waiting,
always waiting.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
writings. . .
please put on the face,
the one with the smile
i'll need it to remember.
wipe that look of sorrow from your eyes
i don't have any regrets.
hold me close just one last time,
before you go for good.
i'm holding my heart together with both hands
hoping that it won't go to pieces once you leave.
i'm holding it out to you
it's my world.
it could be yours -
if only you'd stay.
but i know you can't stay...
i know that you have to go -
no matter what this place might hold for you.
i don't think i'm strong enough yet
don't leave me here
please stay.
stay til the tears dry,
til the ache stops.
please put on the face,
the one with the smile.
in case it's all i have let...
because it's all i have left.
the one with the smile
i'll need it to remember.
wipe that look of sorrow from your eyes
i don't have any regrets.
hold me close just one last time,
before you go for good.
i'm holding my heart together with both hands
hoping that it won't go to pieces once you leave.
i'm holding it out to you
it's my world.
it could be yours -
if only you'd stay.
but i know you can't stay...
i know that you have to go -
no matter what this place might hold for you.
i don't think i'm strong enough yet
don't leave me here
please stay.
stay til the tears dry,
til the ache stops.
please put on the face,
the one with the smile.
in case it's all i have let...
because it's all i have left.
Monday, July 27, 2009
carter
here's the whole story of what happened:
carter, being the naughty puppy that he is, likes to sneak out of my parent's backyard. we don't know how, or where, for sure, but we think that he shimmies his way under the back fence. usually we catch him, and he doesn't get very far. if he does manage to get out in the park, he either comes when we call, or we find him relatively fast.
this was not the case on july 10th.
i'd just gotten home from vacation in siesta key, and was stopping at my parent's house before heading back to jacksonville. lucy and peewee also have a habit of getting out, but they're both shorter than carter, and can get past the barriers that we put in their way. they also never leave the front yard. in fact, they come to the front door and bark so they can be let back in. (lucy thinks this is a game). anyway, i open the door to see two puppies sitting there, so i immediatley call for carter. nothing. check the backyard...nothing. i'm a little annoyed at this point, just because he knows better, and now i have to go look for him. that annoyance quickly turned into worry when i couldn't find him after an hour of calling and searching. my parents live in trimble park, which is pretty much a peninsula. surrounded by water full of gators. (paul, joe and kyle used to call it the jungle when we were in school).
i was so worried that i got the park employees to keep an eye out, just in case. i had no idea what might have happened to him. maybe he's been picked up by some random person. maybe he got caught too deep in the muck near the water, got stuck and couldn't get out. maybe a snake got him, or heaven forbid, a gator. so i kept looking. dad and i even went out into tangerine, thinking maybe he wandered too far and didn't know his way back. (he would eventually prove me wrong here). at this point it was close to 2pm, and he's been missing for almost 5 hours. i had to come back to jax, so my parents promised to keep looking and to let me know what happened, but by then we had pretty much given up hope.
mom called me at 730pm. i knew something was wrong by the way her voice sounded, because it was the same tone she used when she told me that sammy died. i was scared. all she said was "he's hurt". they found him (by they, i mean my dad and my doberman, duke) in the backyard, next to the shed, in the bushes. he couldn't move his back legs. we think that he got hurt somewhere in the park, and dragged himself home...which can only be described as sheer force of will.
because it was so late, they decided to wait until saturday morning to see the vet. our vet is a very sweet woman who practices out of apopka. her name is dr. sands. we've been going to her with the dogs since before i was born. she's right off 441, across from robinsons. she said that it looked like he'd been hit by a car. run over by a car is how she put it. he had a deep gash on his left shoulder, and after xrays, two broken hips and a fractured leg. when mom called and told me, i cried. my poor baby was hurt and i wasn't there to do anything. for those of you with a dog or a cat you adore, you know what i'm talking about. it's like having a child.
dr. sands couldn't opperate, so she sent carter to a specialist. they took a look at him and scheduled surgery for monday morning, since they could make him comfortable enough and there was no immediate damage to any organs.
they put a screw in each hip and a rod in his right leg. the vert said that he would possibly have some nerve damage in his right leg that would cause a limp that might never get better. he was put on crate rest, and would have to have 8 weeks or rehab. but he would be fine, maybe a little less rambunctious than before.
i went home this week to see him, and his spirit has not been diminished. he's still that same playful boy, which i am thankful for. he looks a little pitiful still, because they had to shave him for surgery, and his stitch scars are healing (he chewed out his stitches, by the way. my mom had a fit). he doesn't put weight on his back right leg yet, but it's getting there. he's allowed outside for 5 minutes every couple hours to walk around. my dad gave me the xrays of his hips. i'm going to have to find a way to post them, because they are pretty cool. you can see where the bones completely detached, and where they broke off and turned. he must have been in so much pain.
vet says that he's going to make a full recovery.
God was looking out for a very naughty puppy that day.
carter, being the naughty puppy that he is, likes to sneak out of my parent's backyard. we don't know how, or where, for sure, but we think that he shimmies his way under the back fence. usually we catch him, and he doesn't get very far. if he does manage to get out in the park, he either comes when we call, or we find him relatively fast.
this was not the case on july 10th.
i'd just gotten home from vacation in siesta key, and was stopping at my parent's house before heading back to jacksonville. lucy and peewee also have a habit of getting out, but they're both shorter than carter, and can get past the barriers that we put in their way. they also never leave the front yard. in fact, they come to the front door and bark so they can be let back in. (lucy thinks this is a game). anyway, i open the door to see two puppies sitting there, so i immediatley call for carter. nothing. check the backyard...nothing. i'm a little annoyed at this point, just because he knows better, and now i have to go look for him. that annoyance quickly turned into worry when i couldn't find him after an hour of calling and searching. my parents live in trimble park, which is pretty much a peninsula. surrounded by water full of gators. (paul, joe and kyle used to call it the jungle when we were in school).
i was so worried that i got the park employees to keep an eye out, just in case. i had no idea what might have happened to him. maybe he's been picked up by some random person. maybe he got caught too deep in the muck near the water, got stuck and couldn't get out. maybe a snake got him, or heaven forbid, a gator. so i kept looking. dad and i even went out into tangerine, thinking maybe he wandered too far and didn't know his way back. (he would eventually prove me wrong here). at this point it was close to 2pm, and he's been missing for almost 5 hours. i had to come back to jax, so my parents promised to keep looking and to let me know what happened, but by then we had pretty much given up hope.
mom called me at 730pm. i knew something was wrong by the way her voice sounded, because it was the same tone she used when she told me that sammy died. i was scared. all she said was "he's hurt". they found him (by they, i mean my dad and my doberman, duke) in the backyard, next to the shed, in the bushes. he couldn't move his back legs. we think that he got hurt somewhere in the park, and dragged himself home...which can only be described as sheer force of will.
because it was so late, they decided to wait until saturday morning to see the vet. our vet is a very sweet woman who practices out of apopka. her name is dr. sands. we've been going to her with the dogs since before i was born. she's right off 441, across from robinsons. she said that it looked like he'd been hit by a car. run over by a car is how she put it. he had a deep gash on his left shoulder, and after xrays, two broken hips and a fractured leg. when mom called and told me, i cried. my poor baby was hurt and i wasn't there to do anything. for those of you with a dog or a cat you adore, you know what i'm talking about. it's like having a child.
dr. sands couldn't opperate, so she sent carter to a specialist. they took a look at him and scheduled surgery for monday morning, since they could make him comfortable enough and there was no immediate damage to any organs.
they put a screw in each hip and a rod in his right leg. the vert said that he would possibly have some nerve damage in his right leg that would cause a limp that might never get better. he was put on crate rest, and would have to have 8 weeks or rehab. but he would be fine, maybe a little less rambunctious than before.
i went home this week to see him, and his spirit has not been diminished. he's still that same playful boy, which i am thankful for. he looks a little pitiful still, because they had to shave him for surgery, and his stitch scars are healing (he chewed out his stitches, by the way. my mom had a fit). he doesn't put weight on his back right leg yet, but it's getting there. he's allowed outside for 5 minutes every couple hours to walk around. my dad gave me the xrays of his hips. i'm going to have to find a way to post them, because they are pretty cool. you can see where the bones completely detached, and where they broke off and turned. he must have been in so much pain.
vet says that he's going to make a full recovery.
God was looking out for a very naughty puppy that day.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
the drama of family
i don't even know where to start.
those of you who have been acquainted with my extended family know what i'm talking about when i say that they are absolutely crazy. there's so much drama and fighting, you'd think we were from the back woods of some redneck town. but no, just the backwoods of lake county. this is why lake county has such a bad rap.
this all started a couple months ago...somehow a fight got started between my cousins... about rent, about bad parenting, about drinking and drugs... just a lifetime of fighting between sisters blew up. i don't know all the details, i wasn't there... but somehow the whole family is now involved. and the only ones that are truly hurt are the ones that are being deprived. baby jaedyn will never know her aunt sarah. maddie will never know her cousin. i will never know my goddaughter. all because ashley has this thought in her head that we all hate her. that we didn't help her enough, didn't lover her enough, didn't support her enough. i don't know where she's getting these misguided notions... who she's talking to... but she's taken it upon herself to throw stones and burn bridges.... via myspace. she blogs about sarah, about her family.
you see, she doesn't live her anymore. she lives in arizona, where she fled to, to be with her mother. she left on the eve of the most important thing this family will ever do. my grandmother passed away last december. my grandfather in 2002. they were the glue that held my family together. we slowly started to fall apart after papa died... and then meme got cancer. and when she died... nothing was the same. so we decided, THE ENTIRE FAMILY, would go down to ft meyers, where they used to go fishing every september, on this past mothers day, and spred their ashes. we'd planned this trip for a year. everyone had cleared their calendars, everyone knew about it, we were al looking forward to being together, and doing this last thing that they asked of us.
about a week before mothers day, my mom calls and says ashley is moving to arizona. on the saturday before mothers day. all of us were shocked, hurt. that she wasn't going to make the trip to do this for her grandparents, by her own selfish choice. and not only that, but she was taking baby jaedyn... who granted, never knew her grandparents...but that's not the point.
i know sarah isn't perfect, she knows she isn't perfect. she knows, and has apologized to ashley about what happened. she understands that she has a part in this, that some of it is her fault. the problem with ashley is that she doesn't understand that, thinks that she did nothing wrong, and puts the blame on everyone but herself. she's throwing stones and everyone she can think of, everyone that's ever cared about her and the baby, and is buring her bridges. because one day she's going to need help. she's going to want that baby to know her family.
that's my rant. and my crazy, drama filled family.
those of you who have been acquainted with my extended family know what i'm talking about when i say that they are absolutely crazy. there's so much drama and fighting, you'd think we were from the back woods of some redneck town. but no, just the backwoods of lake county. this is why lake county has such a bad rap.
this all started a couple months ago...somehow a fight got started between my cousins... about rent, about bad parenting, about drinking and drugs... just a lifetime of fighting between sisters blew up. i don't know all the details, i wasn't there... but somehow the whole family is now involved. and the only ones that are truly hurt are the ones that are being deprived. baby jaedyn will never know her aunt sarah. maddie will never know her cousin. i will never know my goddaughter. all because ashley has this thought in her head that we all hate her. that we didn't help her enough, didn't lover her enough, didn't support her enough. i don't know where she's getting these misguided notions... who she's talking to... but she's taken it upon herself to throw stones and burn bridges.... via myspace. she blogs about sarah, about her family.
you see, she doesn't live her anymore. she lives in arizona, where she fled to, to be with her mother. she left on the eve of the most important thing this family will ever do. my grandmother passed away last december. my grandfather in 2002. they were the glue that held my family together. we slowly started to fall apart after papa died... and then meme got cancer. and when she died... nothing was the same. so we decided, THE ENTIRE FAMILY, would go down to ft meyers, where they used to go fishing every september, on this past mothers day, and spred their ashes. we'd planned this trip for a year. everyone had cleared their calendars, everyone knew about it, we were al looking forward to being together, and doing this last thing that they asked of us.
about a week before mothers day, my mom calls and says ashley is moving to arizona. on the saturday before mothers day. all of us were shocked, hurt. that she wasn't going to make the trip to do this for her grandparents, by her own selfish choice. and not only that, but she was taking baby jaedyn... who granted, never knew her grandparents...but that's not the point.
i know sarah isn't perfect, she knows she isn't perfect. she knows, and has apologized to ashley about what happened. she understands that she has a part in this, that some of it is her fault. the problem with ashley is that she doesn't understand that, thinks that she did nothing wrong, and puts the blame on everyone but herself. she's throwing stones and everyone she can think of, everyone that's ever cared about her and the baby, and is buring her bridges. because one day she's going to need help. she's going to want that baby to know her family.
that's my rant. and my crazy, drama filled family.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
esme
meet esme.she's my new puppy.
she's a black and tan dachshund.
i love her already. i get to meet her on saturday. carter has already met her, and from all accounts, they're going to get along famously. . . which is good, because if they didn't, they'd have to suck it up and get along anyway.
Monday, June 15, 2009
blue and white ignite.... but without a flame
more disappointment from the magic. not that i'm not proud of them, because i am, i just wish they could have WANTED it a little bit more. game 5 looked like game 1 all over again. the players that we needed to get hot... turkoglu, howard, lewis... looked tired and done.
it was the players off the bench: alston, reddick, and lee... who looked awsome, made plays, and actually made their shots. lee and reddick are going to be a formidable force in the coming years. and once howard gets his offense going... he's gonna be a beast. A BEAST.
i have no doubt that this team will be back in the finals next year. it was their inexperience that did them in... and the fact that the lakers have a fantastic team. i'm so proud of this team for even making it to the NBA FINALS. so may teams don't. the city should be proud of their players. they did us good. support them. the curse is broken and we are going to come out fighting next season.
it was the players off the bench: alston, reddick, and lee... who looked awsome, made plays, and actually made their shots. lee and reddick are going to be a formidable force in the coming years. and once howard gets his offense going... he's gonna be a beast. A BEAST.
i have no doubt that this team will be back in the finals next year. it was their inexperience that did them in... and the fact that the lakers have a fantastic team. i'm so proud of this team for even making it to the NBA FINALS. so may teams don't. the city should be proud of their players. they did us good. support them. the curse is broken and we are going to come out fighting next season.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
sports news and the apartment
well. game 7 of the stanley cup championship was friday night, and let me tell you, i'm quite disappointed. not because the red wings lost (yes, i am really disappointed about that)... but the way that the penguins won. it's no secret that i don't like them. i literally loathe sidney crosby. i think he's a fake. not his skills as a player. i think his attitude, his all around 'great guy', loves the game, blah blah is fake. and here's why:
http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/news;_ylt=ApGH8zqF7fC8MLYhw5M..SRm7Yx4?slug=ap-redwings-wrapup&prov=ap&type=lgns
he's a sore winner.
when you lose, you shake hands. when you win, you shake hands. when you're the captain, you better be the first one over there. especially when you're the captain. this is just another example of the ridiculousness that is the city of pittsburg. lame.
so game 5 for the nba finals is tonight. despite the heartbreak of game 4, when the magic pulled an epic fail... i know we're going to get it done tonight. true, we do have to win the next 3 games. but look at what we've done already? we beat the defending champs... we dethroned the king... now it's time to take kobe to the line. and by the way, kobe is the shadiest player. he didn't get called for so many fouls in game 4... i literally wanted to throw the tv against the wall (which would have been a bad thing because 1. not my tv, and 2. i probably wouldn't have been able to lift it anyway).
the magic gave away game 4. you can be they wont do the same tonight. we have too much fight, to much determination, and too many players that can get hott. all we have to do is keep jamir nelson out of the game. not such a playmaker since he's come back. we've been fine with alston all finals long. take it from courtney lee... don't change a good thing (ie.... notice he's still playing with his face guard?)
in other news.. the unpacking is coming along. it is a slow process. mostly because... i'm just lazy. most everything is done, just the guest room is waiting on the finishing touches. i need a bed in there before i can start rearranging and hanging and whatnot.
mom called me this morning with news of a new puppy! maybe. she's a mini dauschund, and couple that owns her now is an older couple that just can't take care of her anymore. so cross you fingers! i'm super excited. i hope she and carter will get along. :)
B E L I E V E tonight. don't screw this up guys, the whole world is watching.
pray, hope and don't worry.
jessica
http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/news;_ylt=ApGH8zqF7fC8MLYhw5M..SRm7Yx4?slug=ap-redwings-wrapup&prov=ap&type=lgns
he's a sore winner.
when you lose, you shake hands. when you win, you shake hands. when you're the captain, you better be the first one over there. especially when you're the captain. this is just another example of the ridiculousness that is the city of pittsburg. lame.
so game 5 for the nba finals is tonight. despite the heartbreak of game 4, when the magic pulled an epic fail... i know we're going to get it done tonight. true, we do have to win the next 3 games. but look at what we've done already? we beat the defending champs... we dethroned the king... now it's time to take kobe to the line. and by the way, kobe is the shadiest player. he didn't get called for so many fouls in game 4... i literally wanted to throw the tv against the wall (which would have been a bad thing because 1. not my tv, and 2. i probably wouldn't have been able to lift it anyway).
the magic gave away game 4. you can be they wont do the same tonight. we have too much fight, to much determination, and too many players that can get hott. all we have to do is keep jamir nelson out of the game. not such a playmaker since he's come back. we've been fine with alston all finals long. take it from courtney lee... don't change a good thing (ie.... notice he's still playing with his face guard?)
in other news.. the unpacking is coming along. it is a slow process. mostly because... i'm just lazy. most everything is done, just the guest room is waiting on the finishing touches. i need a bed in there before i can start rearranging and hanging and whatnot.
mom called me this morning with news of a new puppy! maybe. she's a mini dauschund, and couple that owns her now is an older couple that just can't take care of her anymore. so cross you fingers! i'm super excited. i hope she and carter will get along. :)
B E L I E V E tonight. don't screw this up guys, the whole world is watching.
pray, hope and don't worry.
jessica
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